Understandings

Small post this time:

I understand for the first time, and all at once a number of things I had not previously.
1. Why I actually like the few mobster movies I have seen, in particular, goodfellas.
2. Why I have lead the early life I did, in the family I did, etc.

1. to keep it short: I like Goodfellas because the characters get what is coming to them. The limits of the system were ignored, by greed, wrath, or hubris, and each character suffers in turn. This is justice.

2. While I have not often mentioned it, as it seems so petty, in my heart of hearts I have lamented growing up in such a privileged environment. I felt that I did not have to struggle as some do to gain what I had. I envied the idea of a self made man. What I now understand is that this isn't the first time I took that idea, but the last time I had just what I wanted. Hardship from the beginning. Life can be a cruel mistress, and if one has cunning, intelligence, sense, and a bit of instinct, one can survive fairly well in most any circumstance, for at least a time. Honest appraisal: I chose to be born in similar makeup once before, but without any privilege. My talents led me to my, and I have a feeling, many other's doom. Keeping the talents, but changing the environment allowed me to make different choices this time. Choices which would not have been apparent from another starting point.

I'll always remember, one time years ago, when I mentioned that I had no great hardship, and felt this to be a source of sadness, I was told "Perhaps that is my task (or was it burden?)". Perhaps being born to decently well off parents, who could provide well for me, yet without opulence, is the same sort of task as being born to a destitute family where every last thing must be hard won. I didn't understand that thought then, and I still don't fully, but it makes a little more sense in my soul than it used to.